Chocobo Crossing: Let's Go To Town!
by NekyuToi
Summary: Obtaining a white chocobo through unethical means, Cloud Strife unwittingly unleashes the Ancient's power to grant wishes! What will the party wish for...?


Chocobo Crossing: Let's Go To Town!

_This is a little story I wrote over a year ago and forgot about. _

_Final Fantasy VII is owned by Squaresoft!_

Once upon a time, a bloke and his bitch were sitting in a chocobo stall talking about chocobos.

"I want a gold one!" Cloud cried. Tears were running down his face.

"Why!? We got an airship!" Aeris replied.

"But the secret island..."

"It's boring."

"I WANT ONE!" he started to scream. Aeris knew it was hard to calm him down after he started screaming... the pansy.

"OK, OK, all you gotta do is breed them right." Aeris whispered in his ear, motherly like, as creepy as that may be.

"Breed them, eh.." Cloud stroked his chin and looked thoughtfully evil to nothing in particular...

5 Minutes Later

"CLOUD!" Aeris screamed. She was tied to the floor naked wearing a feather boa. Cloud pushed in a chocobo through the doors and lowered the lights after setting a few candles down. "This is insane! HELP ME!" she started to scream. Cloud noticed the chocobo didn't even bother to look at Aeris, so he shoved some viagra into it's mouth. "HA!" Aeris laughed. "I KNEW you had to use them!"

"Shut it, bitch!" he screamed back at her, running out through the doors... he knew it wouldn't be a pretty sight.

10 minutes later... after some screaming and moaning....

"Wow... that was better than Cloud.." Aeris whispered, smoking a cigarette.

"Kweh..." the chocobo replied, also smoking a cigarette. Since the moaning had stopped, Cloud ran back in.

"Did you give birth yet?!" he cried.

"You fucking shit! Did you think I'd give birth to a gold chocobo? BASTARD!" she screamed at him, lobbing her cigarette at him. Resisting the punches for a while, Cloud began to untie her. After a while the kicking and hitting were annoying him, so he punched her in the face to make the job easier.

9 months later...

"AAGGGHGHGHHGHGGH!" Aeris screamed, pushing; she was giving birth to what would be the first hume-chocobo baby.

"Push!" Cloud cried.

"I'm PUSHING you FUCK!" she retorted. "AAGGGHH!"

"Once more!" Tifa clapped her hands together.

"Tifa?! You're here...AGGGH, ... too?!"

"We're all 'ere, bitch!" Barret laughed... as did Yuffie, Cid, Cait Sith, Vincent, Wedge, Biggs, Jessie, Dio and Tifa, with a video camera. Aeris started to scream, until Cloud kicked her in the face to quieten her. A few moments later a beautiful baby was born,... thought Cloud. In honesty it was a boring white chocobo which Cloud thought would grow into a gold one.

10 days later... and no gold chocobo...

"BUT I WANNA GOLD ONE!" Cloud screamed. Tifa was starting to get pissed off.. Cloud had been crying all week and then some.

"Someone do something!" she sighed. Barret drop-kicked him.

"I wonder if it can fly.." Aeris pondered. She went over to the big crib and pulled out the chocobo, sitting on it after placing it on the floor.

"WOAH bitch, you're heavy!" it said.

"You can talk?!" she cried, falling off of it.

"Sure I can, ho! I can also grant wishes!" it laughed. Aeris clapped her hands in joy.

"Really?! I want my dead mother back!" she smiled.

Tifa was rather taken aback. "Are you sure-" SLAP, Tifa was shut up.

"I want her back NOW!" she repeated.

"Hold on, slag, you didn't even give me a name yet. I have feelings too..." it whispered.

"Oh, fine. Um..." she thought for a while.

"Simpson!" Barret shouted.

"Planey!" Cid cried.

"Kitsurugi!" Yuffie sang.

"Squall.." Cloud whimpered.

"Squall? What kinda slut name is that?" Aeris laughed. "No, your name shall be... Slaggy."

"Slaggy? Huh." the chocobo gave her that 'you bitch' look and sat down on the floor.

"Now gimme the wish!" Aeris whined.

"Fine, one dead mother coming up." The chocobo clicked its heels together three times and repeated "There's no one like mum..." thrice. In an instant the room was filled with an odd smell...

"Oh, my, fucking God." Tifa gasped. Then gagged. The dead body of Aeris' mother was in the middle of the room, smelling up the place. "She sort of looks like you Aeris.'' she chuckled, then gagged again, this time vomiting a little; she swallowed it down.

"What the fuck?!" Aeris screamed.

"You asked for your dead mother." Slaggy rolled his eyes. The room was really starting to smell incredibly bad. Yuffie had ran out in disgust and fear and Barret and Cid stood hugging each other. Barret pushed the little blonde tart away and regained his composture by shooting the wall a little.

"We gotta get rid of this shit..." Barret sighed. He started dragging the body towards the ship's furnace, much to Aeris' dismay.

"No, stop!" she cried. Cloud held her down whilst Barret did his thing.

"Let her go..." he whispered into her ear, starting to kiss her. "Wow... don't you feel hot?" he started to whisper deeper.

"No, not really. I just saw the corpse of my mother and my child is watching!" she scream...

"Oh." Cloud kicked the chocobo out of the room with a short insult and starting kissing Aeris' neck again.

5 minutes later...

"Thanks, Cloud." Aeris smiled at him, cigarette in mouth.

"You're welcome, doll." he replied, cigarette in hand.

"I only wish that Cid wasn't watching us...." she whispered.

"What?!" he looked over at Cid, who was sat in an armchair, big smile on his face.

"Oh..." Cid began... "Don't mind me. Although I must say I didn't know what a complete and utter whore Aeris was. How did you know all of those positions?"

"Oh, well,... my step-mother used to work at this strip... HEY! You shouldn't be watching you perve!" she threw a cushion at him, knocking him to the floor. Yuffie and Barret came back in.

"Job done. Try to tread lightly on what you say, Barret.." Yuffie whispered to him.

"OK!" he whispered back... there was a short, tense period where no one spoke. Until... "Well, we're done burnin' the corpse of your mum." Barret sighed, rubbing his hands as if to clean them.

"BARRET!" Yuffie cried. Aeris' face crunched up a little.

"We played around with her corpse first a little though... man, it was fun teasing Red XIII with the de-composed flesh that was left..."

"BARRET!" Cid cried. Aeris' looked as if she were to cry any second.

"She stunk up the furnace a lot though. God, didn't she ever wash? She smelt like a shit-filled hooker that had been pissed on."

"BARRET!" Cloud cried. Outside the room Red XIII could hear everyone moaning Barret's name, so decided he would go to a different room instead; he wanted no part of that drugged filled orgy.

"You... you... shit!" Aeris cried her little heart out, running out of the room with the blanket wrapped round her naked, cellulite-covered body. Cloud was left lying completely bare on the floor, everyone staring and giggling.

"Man, Aeris must have a small... you know... unlike her mother,... I WONDER how she made ends meet, eh, Yuffie? Eh? Eh?" Barret sniggered.

"I HEARD THAT YOU FUCK!" Aeris screamed through the door. "WAAH!" she screamed, running up to her bedroom.

"Hello, Red XIII!" Slaggy the chocobo shouted from the other side of the games room.

"Wow, you can talk!" Red XIII said in awe; he set down his pool cue and went over the chocobo, who was playing the guitar in the corner of the room.

"Of course I can... so can you." it trailed off.

"So, I heard you can grant wishes." Red XIII trailed off, too.

"How did you know?"

"I saw Barret and Yuffie carrying off that corpse. They had to explain it somehow, 'cause I thought Yuffie had gone back to sexual murder to get some gil."

"Oh, right. Well, yeah, any wish. But be careful how you ask for it."

"Wow, thanks for the heads-up! Why didn't you tell Aeris that?"

"'Cause she's a flithy slag, why else?"

"I see... OK. I wish.. that, I, had, a, wonderful, super-soft, that, could, turn, my, father, from, stone, into, his, normal, form." Red XIII spread out his words lest he make a mistake. In a white flash a golden bottle magickally appeared before him. "Wow!" Red XIII said in amazement.

"Thank you, thank you..." Slaggy smiled. Red XIII read the words upon the bottle.

'SUPER-SOFT'

'New formulae for utilisation upon petrifyed persons inside this bottle of gold.

Be WARY, the utiliser SHALL require waryness lest the insa... ...akes it's grip upon

the subject.'

"Some of the words are faded, I can't read it." Red XIII sighed.

"What!? You expect me to shit out new stuff? So ungrateful, just like Aeris."

"But she was twenty years de..."

"Get out of here!" Slaggy cried, shoving its wing in Red XIII's face. He ran out, bottle in his mouth.

4 hours later, and much persuasion to get Cid to go back to Red XIII's hometown.

"This is it..." Red XIII sighed. "My father shall be re-animated. What?!" he cried.

"Nothing inside." Red XIII said, flatly. "NOTHING INSIDE!" he screamed. He threw the bottle at Cloud, hitting him on the head, knocking him out.

"Wait, Red, there are instructions on the back. I'll read them..." Cid began to read them out loud.

'WONDER. AMAZEMENT.'

'New technological advances has led to the golden needle. Now seen in XII!"

"What's XII?" Red XIII asked.

"Who cares?" Cid asked, and continued reading.

"Golden needles are renowned for their SUPER SOFT abilities! Just insert in the ..."

"Ugh..." Cid spat in disgust.

"What is it?" Cloud slurred, waking from his head-knock.

"Can't you figure it out for yourself?" Cid sighed. He threw the bottle into Red's mouth, and without delay he inserted the 'golden needle' bottle into his father's anus. A few moments later a roar came from his father's mouth.

"Wow! Dad, you're---" SMACK! Red was tossed asunder by a blow from his dad.

"Oh, yeah... the faded words were 'insanity takes it's grip.' Sorry!" Slaggy laughed. Everyone ran into Aeris' car, knocking her to the ground in the process.

"Aaaah!" Tifa cried weakly, locking the doors.

"'Aaaah?'" Cid laughed.

"What? I haven't said anything in a while." she replied weakly. Red's dad tried to smash the door open. Now everyone was trapped in Aeris' car, except for Aeris. Red's dad noticed her outside and went over to her.

"Good doggy...!" she cried. No use,... he jumped on her and ripped her throat out.

"Oh my GOD!" Tifa screamed. "THANK YOU!"

"We're trapped!" Red XIII cried. "Now what do we do? Oh, father..."

10 hours later...

"Water... water..." Cloud moaned.

"Oh, shut it!" Barret punched him in the face.

"Um..." Yuffie began. "Has anyone tried driving away?"

Silence engulfed the car for a while, until Cid turned on the ignition and flew away towards the airship (it was a flying car).

A couple of days later.

"So this is Aeris' wake. I would have thought it would be a lot bigger considering Cloud loved her so much." Yuffie sighed.

"I know, ho.." Barret sighed too, placing his hand on Yuffie's shoulder.

"Hi, guys..." Cloud muttered, after wending his way through everyone.

"Hi, Cloud, how are you holding up?" Yuffie asked.

"So-so. I only wish we could have find all of her pieces.." he looked over to her open coffin solemnly.

"Um... about that... should it really be an open-casket?" Yuffie trailed off. Inside the coffin was half of Aeris' corpse, covered in shit and blood and tooth marks; she held a terrified expression on her face, and her arms and legs were chewed off.

"Yeah... I would think Aeris' would have wanted it that way."

"Really?" she asked again. She felt queasy just being near the coffin.

"Yes." Cloud finished the conversation and went to the other side of the room to seek comfort from Tifa.

"Oh, cheer up." Tifa smiled. She downed her whiskey glass. "Come on, let's dance!" she cried, raising her hand into the air. Cid nodded his head and turned on the CD player to some upbeat pop song. Tifa grabbed Cloud's hands and pulled him into the middle of the room. Out of nowhere, people flooded into the room: Tifa's friends, Barret's friends, Yuffie's family and asian hookers and all started to dance, drink and share drugs. Everyone had forgat about Aeris', and the stink, and were dancing the night away!

The next morning...

Not much happened in the morning, as everyone was in too much pain to move; they had drank the whole contents of the ship that night, and Aeris' body had mysteriously disappeared... Cloud didn't worry though, he stupidly assumed she had 'returned to the planet'. Tifa was the first to get up, drinking a few cups of coffee to remain completely awake and eating some raw eggs to maintain strength... that was when she spied Slaggy, winking at her in the corner.

Cloud hadn't stirred yet, but he needn't worry about having woken up next to someone because he didn't shag anybody last night! Even Tifa, who loved him dearly rejected him because he hadn't washed the stench off of his clothes, and he wouldn't forget about Aeris' death. That was to change, because Tifa had just asked Slaggy "I wish Cloud would forget about Aeris' death.", and with a click of his fashionable boots that was so.

"Wow, they're fashionable.." Tifa noticed.

A few minutes later...

Cloud had found Aeris. She was sellotaped to the furnace of the ship, and he rescued her before she burst into flames. He picked her up in his arms and went into his bedroom, placing her on the sofa inside. He put the kettle on and waited for the water to boil, pouring it into two cups with tea bags. He set the cup of tea in front of Aeris, urging her to drink it.

"Drink up, or you'll be dehydrated." he said. She did not reply. "Don't ignore me!" he shouted, whackin her on the side of her head; her eye ball fell out into the cup he held in front of her. Brushing it off, he set it down on the table again and left the room, telling her he'd be back when she acted civilised.

Tifa looked around the ship for ages until she found Cloud's room, and Aeris' corpse inside it.

"What the hell..." she thought. Had he not forgat about her death then? Was he still mopey about it? She looked for him around his room, but could not see him. She checked the bathroom, shower cubicle, the kitchen, under the carpet... but he was still not there. She went over to his bedroom door to look around the rest of the ship again, but just then Cloud had entered into the room.

"Cloud!" she cried, running over to him. She put her arms over him in an embrace. "Cloud, listen to me, you've got to forget about her, OK?" she wept.

"About who?" he asked, genuinely.

"Aeris!"

"Oh, Tifa. Why don't you get on?" he sighed. He picked Tifa up from her waist and chucked her onto the sofa next to Aeris. "Now, you two are going to have a conversation right now and begin to like each other, compreendas?" he stared at them both intently.

"But Cloud, what the.."

"NO ARGUING. If you don't, I'll never speak to either of you again. I'll leave."

Tifa did not want that at all, so followed the act.

"Ok, Cloud... we'll talk to each other.. ha..ha.." she laughed weakly. She looked over at Aeris... if anything she looked BURNT now... and smelt even WORSE than yesterday! But that was probably because everyone had pissed and shat on her corpse whilst pissed on cheap wine.

"So, Tifa, tell Aeris what you like to listen to." Cloud persisted. Aeris had not answered one of Tifa's questions thus far. Nor had she asked anything. She just sat there, dead.

"This is futile, Cloud. She's an ignorant bitch!" Tifa cried. She shook her head, wondering how that worked. She almost got caught up in this stupid thing! "I've got to get going!" Tifa laughed, standing up. Cloud shook his head.

"Me too, forever..." he sighed. Tifa looked at him.

"I answered your fucking questions you arse-worthless piece of shit!"

"Aeris' didn't reply! So we play a different game now."

"..." Tifa stood silent.

"Spin the Bottle."

"Oh, my God."

Ten minutes later.

"It landed on you, Tifa! You've got to snog Aeris."

"WHAT?!" she screamed, standing up. The PROSPECT of snogging that bitch ALIVE was enough to make her vomit, but her CORPSE?!

"Do it, or I'm gone."

Tifa had had enough, so went to leave. Cloud didn't want her to, so shoved her hard... ironically, Tifa fell on Aeris, her mouth landing on Aeris', her tongue in Aeris' mouth. Tifa screamed as loud as she could, which was pretty stupid since she breathed in, dragging Aeris' tongue inside her mouth! She fell backwards and choked on Aeris' tongue for a bit until Cloud saved her by performing the H Move. Cid came in at that moment and saw all three of them... it looked like and orgy. He screamed some obscenities and ran back out into the lobby, calling for Barret; Cloud and Tifa had lost their minds and needed sedation... he didn't have any drugs on him at the moment, so he ran into Barret's room.

"You shit, you assume I sell drugs 'cause I'm black?!" Barret shouted, shooting the wall beside Cid.

"No! I saw you with them last night, that's all!"

"Oh..." Barret went red in the face and threw Cid some morphine in a dirty syringe.

"Ta very much." Cid winked at him, running back up to Cloud's room. He entered as Tifa was punching the hell of Cloud, screaming her head off and covered in vomit. She did not notice Cid until he had shoved he needle in her arm, pulled it out and then shoved it in Cloud's neck, just to shut him up quicker. In a few moments, both of them lay on the floor smiling and laughing weakly; Tifa had forgot all about choking on part of Aeris' corpse, and Cloud had forgot all about trying to get Tifa to snog Aeris.

Cid thought it was a little strange considering everything that had happened so far... so he knew he had to do something... but what was causing it? He thought of all the weird things... then traced them back to Slaggy. Somehow he would have to rid the world of Slaggy... but how?

A few hours later..

Barret kicked the door into Slaggy's room very hard. In one great roar he bellowed: "Where the SHIT is Cid!? No one's controlling the damn SHIP!"

Slaggy chuckled to himself, eyeing Barret cautiously.

"So that's how you wanna play it, huh bird?!" Barret screeched, jumping on his back. Slaggy yelped in pain as he was shunned to the floor, crushed under Barret's weight.

"Get off of me you fat son of a bitch!" he yelled.

"Not till you tell me where he is! He's the only cool bloke around 'ere!"

"OK!" Slaggy relented, coughing up a small cardboard card with something written upon it. Barret backflipped off of the choboco and picked up the card.

"Oh, well.. I see." Barret coughed and spluttered. "Well, I uh, thanks!" he ran out of the room, card in hand.

"Asshole." Slaggy muttered.

-

"It says '1 Bird 2 Roosters, Rua d'AMOR, AMOR, AMOR!! AAAAH AYEAH! Call Cid on 103492395249708, ext. 12.'." Tifa read it out loud to Barret and Red XIII, the only people she could stand to be with at the moment, seeing how she was coming down from horse tranquilisers.

"What the hell?" Red XIII sighed. "Well, it's the only clue we have to Cid's whereabouts. We might as well dial the number."

"Wait, fool! It could be a bloody trap!" Barret cried.

"Oh, shut up." Tifa spat, picking up the phone. "Not everythings another story line." she dialled the numbers into the telephone quickly.

"Wow, you're good at fingering, Tifa." Red XIII praised her. Tifa bowed sarcastically.

"Well, she's 'ad the practice.." Barret sniggered.

"You what?" Tifa said out flat, staring at him with a cold glare.

"Oh, nutin'.."

"No, you shit head little piss, if you got something to say, you COCK --- Oh, hi! No, I was just speaking to one of my many detractors, I don't want that now. .... Yes, it is! I'm looking for some bloke called Cid." a long pause filled the room as everyone drew in their breath. "No one?" she continued. Everyone exhaled, upset, they didn't like the prospect of one of the 'cool' party members going away. "You what?" Tifa asked. "Oh? Ciderella? Hmmm. Yes... yes... OK, bye!" she hung up the phone with a click and sighed. "Found HER."


End file.
